Knots are on my mind this week—particularly knots of fear. For so many of us, and yes, I do include myself, that feeling in our stomach, generated by the knot of fear, can hold us back from enjoying life to the full. This knot of fear holds us back and stops us from trying new things.

When I was younger, I remember the prospect of asking a girl out on a date was one of the most fear-inducing events I had to face. Meeting the school bully was much easier than asking a girl out. I was afraid that the girl who I had set my heart on might not feel the same way, or to be more honest, scared to death that she would just laugh at me and tell her friends. I know I was not alone in struggling with that fear.

I don’t think it would be too much to suggest that for many young boys/men, asking a girl out is traumatic; that small knot in the stomach seems to transform into a medicine ball suddenly. The more we think about what we will do, the more aware we become of the potential pitfalls, the greater the calamity we envisage, and the more we experience that knot of fear.

But what if that knot of fear is a rite of passage, a way for the boy to learn to take the initiative, to be courageous and confront the possibility of rejection? For most of us, whether successful or not in those first attempts, that knot of fear begins to subside over time. I am not going to say it disappears. I don’t think it does if we intend to have relationships rather than just sexual encounters. As with most things, the more we do something, the less worried we get about it.

I have to say, however, for other boys, humiliation at the hands of a teenage girl and her friends can have a traumatic effect on them and how they approach relationships for the rest of their lives.

The knot of fear, however, can be experienced in different ways. What if the knot of fear was enabling rather than disabling? What if we need to feel that knot to tell us what we are doing is worthwhile? The knot itself might indicate that we have what Nassim Taleb (2019) calls ‘skin in the game’, which means that what we are going to do could cost us in some way. For example, we might get humiliated, but it means so much to us that we are willing to take that risk.

I might even go as far as to say we should experience that knot of fear, as it means what we face is important to us; we have something to lose if we don’t do it right. The challenge is understanding the fear; and reduce that fear to a simple, rational, concern. If the girl says ‘no’, it is not the end of the world – but then again, try telling that to a teenage boy; I’m not sure if I would have listened. But, as an adult, it is time to understand what the fear is grounded in and deal with it.

For so many male clients, the knot of fear stops them from seeing a counsellor. The knot is dis-abling. It is the great deceiver; the knot would like nothing more than to take control, and, like the teenager unwilling to ask the girl out, keep you alone in your bedroom fantasising about what might have been.

Or. The knot might be an enabler, pushing you out of your comfort zone and living in the real world. Having a great time.