One of the issues I often encounter in the counselling room is the distinction between us and them. The creation of what is, inherently, a false distinction between other people and me, or the group I am in and other groups. A distinction that almost instantly equates with me, or my group, is good, and the others are bad, or we are right, and they are wrong. I place myself in the position of the Victim. I begin to identify with that group, what it means to belong to that group, and that group alone.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with belonging to a group. We are social animals. We all belong to different social and family groups; I doubt we could call ourselves human if we did not. Even the Desert Fathers, living on their pedestals in the desert, lived a hermit lifestyle and did so because they felt part of a social group; they separated themselves from their group for the sake of the group. What does become problematic is when we lose our identity to that group, where our being is subsumed into the group.

At this stage, you might think about football clubs, religions, or even train spotters clubs, but what about marriages? What about families? I despair at the number of times one partner, usually the man, tells me that their wife is the ‘other half’ or better half’; no, you are a unique whole individual, with your own identity and life, who comes together, with their wife, to become a couple with its own unique identity. The moment we begin to lose our unique identity is the moment conflict begins to build.

What about family loyalty? Of course, our family is essential, and we want to look after each other in a special way, but when that is taken to an extreme, for example, in the case of honour killings which may continue for decades, belonging to a family becomes dangerous for our now health. Just think about Romeo and Juliet!

A current example might be helpful at this point. One of the most divisive issues in my life has been the Brexit debate, whether we should belong in the European Union or leave. The UK voted to leave after a debate (which has been rumbling on for decades) in which both sides focused more on identity than on the development of the UK as a country and the people within it. Each side painted itself as the victim, no longer able to discuss the advantages and disadvantages openly and honestly.

In such a debate, rational views get drowned out as people become more entrenched in their positions – and stop listening. We become ‘Brexiteers’ or ‘Remainers’. We now have a problem; while small fringe parties are willing, the two main political parties, Conservative and Labour, are too scared to have a proper, grown-up debate on Brexit and its positive or negative impact on the UK economy and population.

It seems to me that the only groups we should belong to are those that promote our well-being, help us develop intellectually and emotionally, and promote our now unique identity as human persons. In other words: groups that support us Being-Fun.

If a group demands us to identify as a victim, please, for your own mental health, run for the hills and avoid that group!