How often do you get frustrated when the art of conversation seems lost when a friend refuses to shut up and let you speak, or you just get cut-off mid-sentence? If you do, then you are not alone.

1 in 50 of our conversations ends badly, is the art of conversation dead

A study in the USA (Mastroianni et al., 2021) suggests that only 1 in 50 of our conversations end when both parties want them to; most conversations seem to end when no one wants them to! The obvious question to ask now is: how does this happen?

Well, this group of researchers suggest that we tend to keep the person we are talking to in the dark by withholding information from them. Just imagine for a moment that there is no COVID pandemic, and two friends want to go to the cinema. The question of which film to see then arises. If both people want to watch the same movie, there is no problem.

But what if each person wants to watch a different film; they would have to compromise. This should be easy with two friends; each will say what they want to watch; they may choose one of the films, or the friends agree to watch a third one. However, what if they compromise on a film they really don’t want to watch, just watching it to keep the piece and not say anything? You might imagine them both sitting there, munching on their popcorn, muttering away to themselves, promising themselves never to go to the pictures with this friend again.

The researchers suggest that the ‘film’ scenario is not that uncommon. Interviewing nearly a thousand people, they found that not only do our conversations end with both parties unhappy with when they ended, but also that what both parties wanted, in terms of length of conversation and what they got, was roughly half the time. They offer several explanations for this:

• What they call ‘incompatible desires, each person wanted a different outcome. The researchers suggested that you might expect a degree of coming together of the two people, but this study did not provide ‘one shred of evidence (p. 7) to support this expectation.
• While each person knew what they wanted, they didn’t have a clue about what the other person wanted, which means you can’t really find a midway point on which to end the conversation.
• Even at home, the researchers found that good honest communication was missing. Instead, they discovered that we have conversations we think will please the other person, even when we have not asked the other person what they want. The conventions around being polite (to strangers) or kind (to our intimates) seem to lead us to end conversations with us becoming annoyed. In both cases, we withhold information which makes us carry on talking. Interestingly they do not discuss the dynamics of control around the issue of people-pleasing.

Do you avoid people because they won’t shut up?

If you were being honest, how many people do you try to avoid because “they just won’t shut up” or those people that ‘prattle on,’ with whom you ‘just can’t get a word in’ or you’re just not interested in what they are saying? Just think, if only 1 in 50 conversations ends with both parties happy with the timing, how many annoyed people are wandering around, and what does that frustration do to their mental health? Even professional counsellors must be aware of the study’s implications; how do we ensure that a session finishes with both counsellor and client happy – or do we just have to manage the disappointment?

The study vindicates an issue I have been passionate about; we need to improve our conversations, be open and honest, and tell the other person what we want. Or, more to the point, with apologies to any client who has heard me say this on multiple occasions) the art of conversation is not to be understood but to understand, a point backed up by key authors in my pantheon of greats Paulo Freire, Erich Fromm, Barney Glaser, and Niklas Luhmann.

Mastroianni et al. are clear in their summing up: ‘social interaction is not a luxury; it is critical to psychological well-being, physical health, and longevity, and conversation is its bread and butter’ (p.8). We could all learn better communication skills to improve our mental fitness.

Reference:

Mastroianni, A.M., Gilbert, D.T., Cooney, G. and Wilson, T.D., 2021. Do conversations end when people want them to? Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 118(10).