Despite many global studies showing the benefits of counselling for men, a ‘man-rules’ culture dominates the male approach to mental health and fitness. In part, the counselling model, with its feminine bias, is a block for men. Developing a male-orientated approach can reduce the ‘stigma’ of seeing a counsellor.

(* in this post, I will focus on counselling for men, but the approach is equally valid for women who adopt a more masculine approach to life) 

those damn man-rules​

By the time a man asks for help (counselling or otherwise), he has already thrown the instruction manual out (who needs that anyway!), got frustrated and annoyed, and upset everyone around him. It’s not that the poor bloke is being bloody-minded. Whether they know it or not, most men have been indoctrinated from an early age to obey a set of rules. Following these man-rules will make a boy a ‘real man.’

Deborah David & Robert Brannon, in 1976, suggested four core rules for being a man, which are still easily recognisable in male behaviour, despite increased awareness about diversity.

Be sturdy as an oak – meaning: make sure you cannot be harmed, practice sacrifice and stoicism, and show no weakness.​

Be the big wheel – meaning: be obsessed with status, work and achievement. Men must be successful.​

Give ’em hell – meaning: be ultra-competitive, take risks, have adventures, and be willing to use violence when required.​

No sissy stuff – meaning: avoid anything that looks or sounds feminine​

I guess the question is: Is it time to ditch the man-rules? I don’t think so. It is tempting to throw everything away and start again, like many things these days. The man-rules evolved out of a patriarchal society, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are wrong; it does mean that we have reached a stage where we might need to rediscover a sense of balance.

Showing weakness is not in itself a weakness, but actually, do we really need to open up to everyone about everything all the time; of course not. Do we need to go and see a counsellor because we have stubbed our toe and have an emotional reaction of anger? Definitely not. Do we need to redefine what we understand by strength, weakness, success and failure? Absolutely.

Should men be competitive? Of course, they should be – and so should women, for that matter. Competition is good – so long as it is healthy. To be obsessed with anything is unhealthy, but to be passionate about something is not. It is about finding balance. I can engage in healthy competition with colleagues, which helps us and our organisation grow. But when that competitiveness tips over the edge and begins to be destructive, it is time to take a step back and reassess what I am doing; to accept responsibility, accountability, and change. That is where a counsellor can step in and usefully help.

We could shy away from the last rule: “no sissy stuff”, but we shouldn’t. It is not politically correct to talk about “sissy stuff”, but that was the language of the day. Again, we need to think about finding balance; many men are brought up in a way that emphasises a masculine form of thinking, and there is nothing wrong with that. I work in a feminine field; I have had to learn a feminine language and explore the feminine aspects of my personality. Does that mean I have to let go of my masculinity? No.

Over the years, I have been able to embed skills that are often thought of as feminine skills to help improve my counselling practice. That awareness has not turned me into a “fluffy bunny counsellor”; if anything, it has developed my skills as a challenging counsellor who can use these “feminine” skills to counter some of the male resistance built on strict adherence to the man-rules.