Why counsellors are communicators, not rescuers.

Counsellors are communicators. Communication lies at the very heart of the counselling process. Without good communication, counselling is pointless and somewhat dangerous. Dangerous because unless we follow the core principles of counselling communication, we counsellors are reinforcing the same old rubbish about conversations our clients are exposed to at work, online and even at home every day.

I never get tired of saying that a general principle of conversation is a way for you to understand the other person, not about being understood by them. It may be an archaic view of the world (with which I am completely at ease), but conversations are held between people,

For me, the keyword is ‘held’. Look online, and you will see many entries on Google responding to the query “hold or have a conversation”. The answers suggest that the person who holds a conversation is a particular person skilled in the arts of communication who can keep conversations going: a conversationalist.

Some people are skilled at telling stories or gifted in being able to engage in small talk; I am not one of them. I, and many counsellors I know, are skilled at holding the other person in the conversation; this is a very different understanding of holding a conversation. We want to ensure that the other person is understood and given a space in which they feel they can say what they want without being judged for it. But also to hear things they may be uncomfortable with; to be challenged by someone who wants to help them understand themselves; that is not the same with a conversationalist.

The conversationalist is a rescuer; their role is to keep a conversation going. I am not great at small talk. I might be a bit of a nightmare in social situations; I am not that interested in small talk, and if a conversation lapses into silence am happy. I am happy listening to people chatting and passing bits of information to each other. I am at my best when someone wants to have a conversation, where we take the time to learn from each other, not just try our hardest to be entertained by each other.

In the next post, I will look at the values that inform the counsellor’s approach to conversations.