Coping with grief
Coping with grief (human or pet) takes many different forms. Often, people feel that the dead person may walk through the door at any moment, feel guilty that they could or perhaps should have done, feel guilty that they feel happy that the person is no longer suffering, or angry that they have been left alone.
While I will write about death in the context of another person, any loss – of a pet, a job, or even a meaningful object – can have a profound impact on us.
In this brief blog series, I want to help you understand the reason for some of the emotions people feel and offer some practical tips on how to get through what is sometimes a difficult time. At the end of the post, I will provide some links to specialist organisations where you can find extra help.
Understanding the emotion of grief
At some stage in life, we will all experience the loss of someone, or even a pet, that we care deeply about. When someone does die, we are often left wondering what we should do or say or even what is a “normal” response. Below I will highlight some of the more common responses:
Coping with grief: Soon after a death
Shortly after a death, people describe being in a state of shock, numb and slightly panicky with physical symptoms such as heart palpitations. While some might cry a lot, others find it difficult – even if they want to. Others might focus on the practical issues as a way of coping with what has just happened but then begin to feel guilty about what others might think of them (for example, being uncaring or unfeeling). Again, some people might want to run away and hide from the world to deal with their grief alone, while others want to be surrounded by other loved ones, finding reassurance in the emotional support offered.
Coping with grief: Weeks and Months after
Some people notice a lingering sense of agitation as the weeks and months pass. To resolve this, the house might become spotless through continuous cleaning, or we might throw ourselves into other activities. Of concern is when this agitation leads to panic or high anxiety levels, often recognised by breathlessness, heart palpitations, dizziness, tingling and a dry mouth. The feeling that I am “not normal” or “going mad” is not unknown, especially when we might think we have seen, heard or felt the dead person close by; these are not unusual experiences. Other feelings in the short term might also include; a generally low mood, a feeling of not being bothered, crying for no apparent reason, depression, or a general sense of tiredness.
Some people will begin to review their relationship with the dead person; feeling guilty about what they said or did, or what they didn’t say or do; wondering or wishing that they could have changed things – or even getting angry that the deceased has abandoned them. Often close family members or friends bear the brunt of this anger, being shouted at, being told they could have done more or even face being rejected with the complaint that “you could have helped more” or “I had to go through all of this on my own.” It is sometimes easier to lash out at those we love than face up to dealing with the issues in front of us.
People often do not know what to say in the immediate aftermath of a death and the longer term. We are often clumsy; we struggle to find the right words, or we choose to distance ourselves. It is not personal; it is just that they do not know what to say or do; they are frightened because, at some stage, they will have to deal with the same situation with their loved ones and don’t know how they will react.
Coping with grief: Years after
Coming to terms with death is a process; some people pass through the process quickly, while others need more time. What happens is that over the next year or two, they begin to think less about the person (which itself can create some guilt) and get on with their lives. It might be challenging to accept that the person is no longer here, but at some stage, we begin to get on with our lives. This is a critical stage; it does not mean that we are in any way being disloyal to the person who has died.
In the next post, I will explore how we can help ourselves come to terms with death.
