Bereavement: what friends can do to help
Bereavement and what friends can do to help in the short- and medium term
Coping with grief following the death of a loved one is difficult enough, but to do it alone can be psychologically harmful; being there and offering a helping hand can provide the support the person needs to carry on.
In this post, I want to focus on the practical help that a grieving person may need from their friends and family:
- Don’t avoid a person who is grieving. Spend time with them if that is what they want. Talk to them and listen to them; it will be awkward, but a simple admission that you do not know what to say will go a long way. Talking about the person who has died can help; don’t avoid the subject, but don’t force it if the other person doesn’t want to talk. Just being there can help.
- The grieving person may seem angry, frustrated or lacking patience, but don’t take this personally; it is part of the grieving process. You might also find that they will talk about the same issues again and again, don’t get frustrated with them; this is also part of the grieving process. If you are worried about them, encourage them to see their local GP, particularly if they seem ‘stuck.’
- See if they want any help with the shopping, looking after children, or just going for a drive/walk. Maybe include them in some social events and, when the time is right, encourage them to build up a new social network/hobby or reconnect with an old one.
- Gently challenge/discourage them if they are going to make any significant decisions too quickly; help them to think through the implications and options for any planned course of action.
There are some very practical things that you can help with:
- You will need a death certificate. A doctor must be called to sign the death certificate if someone dies at home. If the death is sudden, the police will need to be informed (the doctor will usually do this), and the police will, in turn, report the death to the coroner; in this case, a post-mortem will be organised. A doctor will issue the death certificate if the death happens in a When given the death certificate, you must register the death within five days. The Registrar will then issue a death certificate and notification for disposal which you will provide to the funeral director. Don’t forget to ask the Registrar for enough copies of the certificate because banks, pension and insurance companies will probably want to see copies before they will settle the estate (see https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death for more details).
- You do not need to wait until you have registered the death before choosing an undertaker. The funeral director can be helpful with sorting out the arrangements and procedures associated with the funeral, including putting death notices in the local/national press. Be there to help the grieving person and ensure they do not get pressured into doing/agreeing to things they do not want to do.
- The grieving person may be eligible for help towards the funeral cost or for a widow’s payment. They will also need to advise the tax office of changes in circumstances. If there is a will, don’t forget to let the executors and solicitor know; if the grieving person may need to contact the Probate Registry and apply to administer the estate ( a chat with your local Citizens Advice Bureau https://www.citizensadvice.org.ukmight be helpful with this).
A good starting point for advice in this area is https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies.
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