Ending counselling sessions with many clients can be a bit strange.

When working with organisations, it is often the case that we have come to the end of the allotted sessions, and we have no choice but to finish the work we do together. If I had managed the sessions and client expectations, we may have had a successful outcome and finished the work we needed to do, or at least the client would be on their way to being able to help themselves move on from where they were.

In other instances, working online, I don’t see the client again. It might be that they don’t like my approach to counselling, they might not like me (it happened!), they may have run out of money, or it might be that their problem was resolved, or they are too embarrassed or ashamed. I could try and contact them to make sure they are OK, but unless they return my email/call or they come back again (which some do), I will never know, and there is nothing I can do about it.

In many instances, the fact we are having our final session is apparent, to me at least, in the first few minutes of the session. The client seems to bumble along as if they have something to say, but they don’t know how to say it. They talk of the progress they have made, how their problem or their life has changed.

“What do you want from me now?”

Over the years, I have developed a sixth sense about ending a therapeutic relationship, so I ask them: “So what do you want from me now?”

Occasionally, I can see a visible sense of relief come over the client when asked that question. I can imagine some counselling approaches suggesting that the work with a client is not finished, as the client is concerned about letting me down and ending the relationship, but my work, on the problem the client wanted help with, is finished. I do not engage in ‘cash-flow counselling’ or go hunting for more problems to keep the client coming back to me. I am happily married to my wife, and I do not want to be married to clients.

What I see in that relief is simply a response from someone who does not know what to say or how to say it. Maybe some clients are looking for my permission to finish, but that is up to me, as the counsellor, to manage that; to help them realise that they have control: that they do not need anyone’s permission.

No Survey

After the relief, a client’s usual answer is ’nothing’. So we get to work acknowledging and solidifying the work we have done.
Of course, we spend the last session filling in a survey in which the client can tell the counsellor — or service provider — how good (or very rarely, because people don’t do it often enough, how bad they think the counsellor is) and that they have moved from a 3 to 9 on a happiness scale. But we don’t.

We look forward with critical hope built on the work we have done together, the changes the client has made to their lives, their environment, or, as is more often the case, their perceptions. Perceptions of themselves, of others or the problem.

Men, in particular, spend time telling me how their perception of counselling has changed; they often say that they wish they had done something about seeing a counsellor sooner. And that they would see a counsellor again. That is really good to hear.

Embracing chaos

I often smile to myself when male clients, in particular, want to link the different sessions in a rational cause-and-effect way which explains how we have gone from A to B to C… Which we have not done.

For me, counselling is about embracing chaos, not imposing order. I am not interested in following a logical step-by-step process — if you want to go to AA meetings or see a counsellor who wants to rigorously follow particularly popular and established approaches.*

The client is often surprised when I point out that, all the way through, we have taken their lead and responded to what they have to say. I pick up on what they have to say, I see networks of words (word clouds maybe) appear in my mind where chaotic links appear, and we explore whether they are valid based on their experiences. Above all, I generally ask awkward, deceptively simple questions.
There is no fixed process to follow apart from following the principle of emergence and the strategy of Experience-Reflect-Understand-Act.

In a way, it seems a little funny that I have been working as a counsellor for nearly 20 years, and still, I learn something about myself from every client. Whether or not I learn those lessons all the time (I am, after all, a human being and a man) does not diminish the fact that I will be ever grateful to each and every one of them.

* In all probability, Rogers and Freud would have been criticised for their responsive approaches by those who follow their approaches today.