One issue seems to crop up repeatedly in discussions with clients; how to take back control and challenge negative thoughts. These thoughts could be about us or someone else; the connection is that the thoughts are negative and seem uncontrollable. We will always have thoughts. Like everything else in how we live our lives, however, the issue is one of balance: “am I in control of my thoughts, or are my thoughts in control of me?”
I think of the mind as a stroppy teenager; it thinks it knows best, is unwilling to compromise, and gets all uppity when it does not get its way. Before we know it, the teenager has taken control of the household and left the rest of us feeling miserable. Much of my work is to help people socialise that stroppy teenager, to remind it that the mind needs to have a healthy relationship with the other two major systems that make up our ‘self’ (body and brain) and are not in control.* Obviously, books and theses have been written on this topic, and I will return to this topic in the future.
In the meantime, here is a ‘simple’ practical exercise to help you in the process of taking back control.
Step 1: Build awareness of when you say something negative about yourself or someone else. So often, our words come out automatically without us thinking about them. However, be aware of how we frame these words; it will usually be in a way that paints us as the victim: it’s not fair or why me? Without this awareness and the courage to accept our role in putting ourselves forward as a victim, we will not move forward.
Step 2: Pause and take a breath. Just focus on your breathing for a few moments. This helps to break the cycle.
Step 3: Notice the thoughts that are passing through your mind. Try not to engage with them at this stage.
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- Be aware of words like never, always, can’t, should, need and must. These words should be assessed for validity at a later stage. We tend to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves through the words we use. Where have these demands come from; are they demands we have placed on ourselves, or have we simply accepted them from other authority figures in the past? How has this adherence to these demands hurt us? Are they relevant to our present?
- When we criticise others, just check whether they really are that unwilling to compromise, stubborn or awkward. How would we react in the same situation?
- Or, are things as hopeless as we seem to think they are, or am I simply engaging in excessive worry – and calling it ‘being realistic’?
This step aims to try and gain a little bit of distance from the problem. To allow us the space and calmness to assess the situation from a slightly different perspective, engaging with objectivity rather than stubbornly embracing subjective fantasies.
Step 4: Review the situation in 24 hours. While the exercise is a stand-alone exercise, it should be done as part of a more expansive mindful way of living that builds your mental fitness: using mindful listening and mindful speaking, for example. Of course, challenging the thoughts is one thing, but getting to the emotional source of the thought is something else, something a qualified counsellor, like myself, can help you to do: so get in touch!
*Before anyone begins to point out that thinking of the mind-body-brain in this way is simplistic – I agree. I will have a look at the deeper philosophical issues regarding the mind-brain-body problem in later posts.